I was Funded by Google
How does that sound? Is that an accomplishment?
“I was provided funding by Google to manage the marketing campaign for the HUB of Innovation.” I wrote this statement to an HR specialist this morning detailing my paid and unpaid work experience.
My resume, things I have done, the so-called accomplishments. I do not think about in terms of attribution to my abilities nor consider them more than my ‘struggly’ educational experiences. I have never even thought of this as an accomplishment.
But when the words are read or spill out of my mouth, in explanation, its sounds pretty spiffy.
It was a Google Competition, for college groups, I had to manage a Google Adwords marketing campaign for a local NPO, the Google Ad Grants Online Marketing Challenge (OMC).
I walked past the classroom I sat in just yesterday. Marketing Management; an experiential learning course at Purdue Northwest, where I now teach.
At the time, I was 25 and I was returning to campus with a one-year-old and an infant. It was my first semester back from being put on academic probation (having a child interfered with my studies, go figure) moving back home and away from a toxic relationship. I was always late for class …
BUT I am back in SCHOOL … my SAFE place.
The project group was supposed to consist of 2–5 people but I was left alone and the teacher didn’t make changes, like adding me to another group.
Nope, I was a lone wolf. She was so mean to me too maybe because I was always late. Anyhow, I was in make it happen mode so I didn’t care about her attitude or lack of group participation.
I hit the ground running visiting local nonprofits around northwest Indiana and asking if I could do free online marketing for their organizations. It was 2010 and 10 years ago people were a little afraid of online marketing or even having a presence on social media.
I could NOT land a client
Time was running out so I was referred to a business incubation center. I didn’t even know what that meant at the time but I was ready. So, I took my marching orders and met with the Director of the Hammond Innovation Center.
The work wasn’t hard to do alone and it was one of the most fun and engaging work experiences I have ever had. I was even asked to stay on after the semester ended.
The work wasn’t hard, EVERYTHING around it was
BUT Back to the Beginning …
I began typing these thoughts in an all too long FB post, observing myself and how I do not put much consideration into my own endeavors or consider what it sounds like to others when I simply share a lived experience.
When its time to discuss my accomplishments, my mind hones in on the back story. I have been teaching as an adjunct lecturer and searching for a fulltime job for the past year and I have learned so much about myself in the process of continual acceptance and rejection.
I was funded by Google, this statement, the epiphany in writing it and how it sounded to me had nothing to do with a company or a role. For so long, I just observed the pain, the process, the struggle behind my accomplishment.
I always felt out of place because what was on paper came with so much fight, scars, lack, struggle, tears, and pain. Not to do the work but the clear a path to be able to. I was not given anything, I failed a few times, I made a lot of mistakes, I procrastinated and I was always running late.
The mention of Google or Purdue made me think inside. Yeah, it sounds good but I am not good enough to be here …
For the past 5 years, I have gone through a real awakening to who I am. I discovered I was dealing with the imposter syndrome and perfectionism.
In an article published by the Harvard Business Review entitled, Overcoming Imposter Syndrome, Gill Corkindale defined the term as, “a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. ‘Imposters’ suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence.”
So fast forward, rewind, it is January 2019, the night before my birthday and THE interview at Arizona State University.
I so want to move here
Internally I am considering, again in life, I am living at home, I have three kids and just went through a divorce while fighting for my master’s degree, which is also incomplete.
Externally, I am in a splendid AirBNB home in an upscale Phoenix suburb which only cost me $30, I can’t believe my situation. I am wrestling with the internal thoughts that I am not good enough but overwhelmed because
Here I AM …
The night before, to pump myself up I listen to a TEDtalk by former Harvard and Northwestern University professor Amy Cuddy. The talk is called, “Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are.” I had shown it to my students to illustrate a lesson on nonverbal communication and speech anxiety.
So, I am in the vanity and as I am practicing my Power Poses and I just start sobbing.
I am hearing her recount her story of unworthiness and HER thinking my congruent thoughts, “I don’t want to get there and feel like a fraud, I don’t want to feel like an imposter, I don’t want to get there and feel like I am not supposed to be here.”
Then her talk continues with her internal dawning alignment …
I AM supposed to be here, I have become this, I am doing this!!!
I didn’t get THAT job in January but I DID learn more about myself, made adjustments internally and I got another opportunity.
As I wrote that email this morning to the HR department I finally came to the aligned internalization, I AM NOT an imposter and I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
So many of us work so hard outwardly to accomplish our goals in the midst of adversity, unexpected obstacles, chaotic personal lives, lack of support and sometimes just not knowing what step to take next. Build your spirit and work just as hard on the inward belief.
Not every experience I have had is an accomplishment per se but it all works together for my good. I learn from every failure, every mistake, and every unexpected obstacle. It improves my methods and ultimately pushes me toward my goal.
That is true ACCOMPLISHMENT.
Success is not linear
Life happens
If you keep going you will get there
Wherever you are on your journey to accomplishment, you are supposed to be there and maybe run your path like a Google Adwords Campaign
Research. Analyze. Adjust. Test. Track. Report
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE | YOU ARE BECOMING EVERYTHING YOU ASPIRE TO BE
Do it until you become it and internalize it — Amy Cuddy
